5 Christmas Songs That Make the Baby Jesus Cry
Last year, I counted down the 12 Days of Christmas with a new song each day. I didn’t get through half as many as I’d have liked to – and as many of the entries were added as I went as had been planned in advance – but I did remind myself of just how obsessed with Christmas music I am (or at least used to be).
At one stage I had over 50 versions of ‘Last Christmas’ in my possession, although a couple of crashed computers have brought that obsession to a merciful close. Still, I do like to get into the spirit at this time of the year, though the way my mind works I always end up plumping for the slightly twisted Christmas songs. To that end, I present you with 5 Christmas you may or may not have heard, but which all, you can be assured, would make ickle baby Jesus weep in his straw palace.
The Vandals – Oi! to the World
We all know the story of the Bible, with God wreaking furious vengeance through the medium of freak weather patterns and Jesus strutting around in sandals and a cape – as was the style in the age – but the question remains: what would he do, what would he say, if God came down on Christmas Day? Well, the Vandals have helpfully solved the conundrum: if God came down to earth today, odds are he’d be some manner of racist football hooligan (read the Old Testament – all the signs are there) with Jesus his mortified Labour-supporting son. Think about it.
Amos – XXXMas
There’s not an awful lot of information about German pop singer Amos on the internet. Despite singing in English, all of the indepdendent online info about him is auf Deutsch, except for his own website, which helpfully dubs him the ‘Imperator of Pop.’ If you had to look up ‘imperator,’ you’re not alone: it’s a Roman military designation of some sort. Did the Romans celebrate Christmas? Of course – the Roman festival Saturnalia is one of the many winter festivals that amalgamated into Christmas as Christianity spread around Europe. The Romans also had lots of sex – lots and lots of sex – so if you think about it, this might just be the ultimate Christmas song.
Showcase Showdown – Merry Christmas I Fucked Your Snowman
Granted, I’ll give you this one – the baby Jesus isn’t explicitly concerned about snowman, so this is somewhat of a cheat. Still, I do know from my bible that the baby Jesus is consumed by an irrational hatred of gay people, and he’s ruthlessly opposed to all men – whether human or snow-based – having sex with one another. For that reason – even though snowman are not traditionally an element of his birthday celebrations – he would nonetheless be moved to tears. The bigoted little shit.
Cristina – Things Fall Apart
His legendary hatred of anybody who’s different or shows a hint of individuality aside, Jesus was known for his compassion for the poor, famously remarking that they’d get into heaven before a rich man on a camel or something. Compassion. And Christmas doesn’t come much more impoverished than Cristina’s, who remarks that “we had to trim the cactus with my earrings that we’d meant to pawn.” Merry festivus!
Fear – Fuck Christmas
And now for my favourite Christmas song. While it doesn’t encapsulate my full sentiments on the Season To Be Jolly, it does neatly sum up the stress of buying presents and the awkwardness of having to receive them. And musically, it almost presupposes the amazing Trans-Siberian Orchestra with its Dio-like metal intro before devolving into an anarchic punk rock chorus. And at just 45 seconds, you can listen to it a dozen times without ever getting sick of it. The perfect Christmas song.